How The Cons Connected
by colonellunchmeat
Summary: Max is a seasoned old grifter, and thinks he's the best, but then there's this damned teenybopper waitress


Max walked into the Kostaris trembling with rage. It was too windy for three-card Monte in Central Park, and so he'd been shifting his shells around until this little bitch had walked behind the mark, pointed and said "You'll never find the pea, Mister. He palmed it, they always do."

Max had not enjoyed being body slammed off the bench with his card table thrown on top of him...the walnut shells had been crushed.

Ah, yes. West 62nd and Broadway. Kostaris was a splendid restaurant, not too expensive, and recently Max had been barred from his other favorite restaurant, Paco's Tacos, after it was discovered that he was stealing filled-out job applications from the hostess stand and selling the Social Security numbers...

Max wandered in and sat in a booth near the front window. He hoped Sally wasn't still pissed at the Doctor. They were temporarily discharged because frankly, Sally was just too old.

"Gold-diggers don't mine well with all those laugh lines." Sally had a slight nose candy problem, and she'd blown through what they'd made after her last um, marriage, to the jukebox and farm equipment heir.

The Doctor paid them well, but really, Sally's greedy nostrils, and frankly Max's taste in Rogers Peet vests and Asian prostitutes had them both scrambling. Ugh.

Behind him, Max smelled the terrible breath of Tacitus "Tacky" Kostaris, the restaurant's owner dropping into the next booth. God, why can't the old man stayin the kitchen? What a shitty day. I so wish I could've clocked the teeneybopper who queered my shell game pitch.

"Aah, Jacinto, I do not know what to do. I fired Deon and Consuelo and what's his name with dreadlocks, but another shipment of baklava has disappeared."

"Dad, this is ridiculous. You've had Consuelo as your sous chef for almost twelve years. How could you not trust her? You should hire her back."

Ah, yes, Jacinto, who referred to himself as "Jake the Snake" and fancied himself quite the sportsman. Twice-once when Max disguised himself with the walker, and then again in the nun habit, he'd hustled $200 out of the little idiot at Champion Billiards at 42nd and Lex.

"No. Once you fire, you no hire back. Even if mistake."

"She used to give me all kinds of treats when I was little, and she tutored me in Spanish after I flunked the French at NYU."

"You flunk everything at NYU, Jacinto. And now you cannot even take charge of receipts. That sweet girl, she was in tears because detectives from Manhattan South interrogate her because some idiot try to buy a boat with number from Platinum Visa, that was traced back to my best customer."

"Oh, God. Yes, I'm sorry. Mr. Kantrowitz from Morgan Stanley."

"Mister Kantrowitz will never eat here again, because one of the receipts is lost or stolen? Six years, my best customer. And then we lose the cash bag to bank."

"Because you're too cheap to hire a Brink's truck, Dad."

Tacky's voice got loud. "Is one block away, Chemicalbank. ONE BLOCK. And you send someone who gets robbed."

God people are idiots, thought Max, as he bit into a steak and cheese. My father was a prick, but at least he had an idea of what was going on. When Max had come home bombed after finally graduating from Polk High in Fort Wayne, Indiana, he'd found the locks changed, and a note with two keys taped to the door from Maxwell Senior.

"Congrats on graduating, son. I've rented you a room at the Lilburn Hotel and the first months' rent is paid, and the second key is to Mulvaney's Sunoco. You start work in the morning. Oh, and I have notified your draft board. Pop."

Max had tapped Mulvaney's till that night and thumbed his way out of Indiana immediately...but he'd always admired Pop's uh, directness.

Jake's irritating, nasal voice came up again. "Dad, I gave the receipts to Maddie, and you know she's epileptic. She had a seizure, and got robbed."

"You send her THREE TIMES with my money, and she loses it with seizure. Then you take it, and you got robbed as well. Pah!"

Jacinto's voice became earnest. "Maddie was in tears and felt we didn't trust her, and that's why I gave her the second and third chance. But she's a really nice girl."

"Yes, I know this, Jacinto. Maddie is wonderful. But she is so day-dreamy. I finally hire Brink's to take money, I zip it up and lock it in cash-bag...I give it to Maddie, she give it to Brink's guard, and what happens?"

"That was weird, wasn't it?" Jake's voice grew even more nasal. "Nine hundred bucks in the bag, and somehow when it was unlocked it had been replaced with cut-up Victoria Secret catalogues."

"I know it is not Maddie's fault, Jacinto. She is sweet, wonderful girl. I hire her because she was duped by Mafia into mail-order phone-sex bride thing, and was put on probation."

"What? MADDIE? She never told me that."

"That is what happen. Not her fault. And then she was engaged to Earl, her probation officer, and he was mentally cruel to her, and then he commit suicide."

"Nice Earl who comes in here for the grape leaves?"

"No, that is Deacon the bellhop. Earl likes our gigandes plaki...beans make him whiffy, but he is nice man, asked me to hire Maddie, then was blackmailed-long story-"

"No, not Maddie. She's a Vassar sophomore. Epileptic, but-"

"No, no. Earl was not supposed to be dating a probationer, and then got phone calls, and lost his job. Even after he sent the fellow the money! And then he became paranoid, happens to Americans, and thought Maddie was stealing from him."

"And he died. That's amazing."

Max finished his cheese steak. Should've gotten the souvlaki. Where was he going to get more walnut shells at this hour?

"She was so upset, poor Maddie. I was not aware that you knew her, Jake. You take no interest in restaurant, and then I get call that you have pawned your late mother's diamonds-"

"Not me, I think there was a burglary. I do have an interest in the restaurant. And, Maddie and I -"

"I got call from police, they went to pawnbroker. If you don't do this, who? You are on drugs?"

"No. I haven't sold Mom's jewelry. But Stavros tells me you're falling in love. You've met someone special."

Good God, Max thought. Who would date Tacky? He looked like a whale that had decided to wear Pleather.

"You change subject, but yes, I have met someone, and I have just bought her a ring. I-"

"That's amazing, Dad! I'm engaged too!"

"To Tara?"

"No, remember, after my checking account was hacked? We got those pictures?"

"Oh yes. She is thief. Maddie told me-"

"Maddie's GREAT. She helped me get over the Tara thing. And I love her, Dad."

"M-Maddie? My Maddie?"

"Yes, your waitress. She says you're like a father to her. I think there must be some mistake about the probation thing. She's only here because she's looking into a Romance Languages Internship-"

"Maddie says I am like FATHER? She tells me I am best lover she ever have. She lose her virginity to me, you fool!"

About five minutes later, Max exited Kostaris's, noting that since there was a full-on slugfest between Kostaris pere and junior, no one would notice if he walked the check.

But then he bumped into-"You little bitch!"

The dark haired girl, not quite nineteen, Max surmised, looked up at him and giggled.

"What's so goddamned funny?"

"That Gulf War Jarhead really clocked you. I found the pea that you dropped."

She waved the shell pea in Max's face, rolling it on a blue-nailed thumb.

That-uniform. "Your name wouldn't be Madeline would it?"

"No, just Maddie. What the fuck's going on in there?"

Max and Maddie turned to see a chair fly, smashing through the sheet glass window.

"I wouldn't worry about your shift, kid." Max said, smiling. He took Maddie's arm. "Lemme take you to TCBY on Broadway...they got an awesome Kiwi Strawberry Sorbet."

"Oh, I prefer the limeade."

"We can talk about it. Hey, take your hands out of my pocket. My wallet's in my jacket, anyway."

"Not much in it, I bet."

"Hands to yourself. You can't have the signet ring either."

Separating himself slightly from the girl, Max speed-dialed Sally with the Iphone he'd um, borrowed from the blind news dealer this morning. This brunette seems to be a useful little bitch, but she may need a spanking before its over...


End file.
